Hold My Mind
by MysticalWhispers
Summary: It's set around season 7. I'm not sure what I'm going for. I just felt a little blue, and I was procrastinating and I wrote this little story.
1. Chapter 1

I have a bad habit of starting stories and not continuing them. So you are warned. I probably won't update for at least 3 weeks or ever. I have this thing where I don't know how to write or I just get very bad writers block. I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote this. I've just been a little blue and thought I'd write something. Get my thoughts out. Distract myself. So Here is my little story. If you like it I'm glad.

I don't own the characters. It's set around season 7. Drug themes.

 _He ran barefoot through a field of daises, lilacs and foxgloves as his mother chased him. "I'm gonna get you", she called, her long blonde hair and bright yellow dress flowing gracefully with the wind. Of course she caught him, enveloping him in her arms while peppering his face with kisses. Forgotten was the gray sky getting darker in the squeals of laughter given off by the little boy who found himself being swung through the air by his hands._

 _Nevertheless, all good things come to an end and so the laughter did stop for the boy's mother let go of his hands flinging him across the air. Instead of landing in the once beautiful flowers, he landed between bleeding thorns; the sound of his mother's screams filled his ears as he picked up his damaged glasses. Gray skies had become black and soon he found himself running once more. Her once sweet voice, held only malice and she was quickly gaining._

 _She caught him, forcing him to face her. He noticed as she raised her hand high she held a knife…_

" _No" he screamed "Mommy, please. Mommy!"_

….

Everything slowly came into view has Reid woke up in a blissful haze. He squinted at the bright florescent light that priced his eyes causing him to groan, the pain was so strong he felt as if he might puke. His head was pounding and his body ached, but somehow he found the strength to sit up. He leaned against the tub, the cool porcelain felt good against his bare skin. He froze when he noticed the needle and small bottle filled with a transparent liquid lying a few inches away from him. His chest felt tight, his head began to spin, he was going to be sick. He lurched forward into the toilet and emptied his stomach. He wiped his mouth, flushed the toilet and laid his head on seat forcing himself to try to remember the previous night's activities, but nothing came.

He lay there quietly staring at the bottle considering if relapsing was such a bad thing. He was certain of one thing and that was that he needed it because he didn't want to be angry at JJ, Hotch or Emily anymore. He didn't want to fake a smile for Morgan and Penelope because they hadn't trusted him in their plan to find Doyle. He wished he was as good a profiler as Rossi because then maybe he wouldn't have been so in the dark those 6 months. It wasn't their fault he was weak, it wasn't their fault that he was too slow to figure it out. He wanted to sleep without nightmares, without headaches. He didn't want to dream he wanted to float away on a cloud.

His thoughts were interrupted by the ring of his cell phone. It came from the bedroom, but he ignored it, he didn't want to deal with anything today. He wanted to stay in the bathroom contemplating the bottle. Silencer filled the room, until the phone rang a second time. He took a deep breath, grabbed the bottle and crawled toward the phone. He lay beside it, but did not dare to touch it. When he rang for a third time he finally picked it up and with a rough voice answered, "Hello".

It was Hotch, who Spencer noted never sounded pleased, but always upset when it came to him just like every other alpha male in Spencer's life.

Gideon was the exception as his actions towards Spencer were always gentle like his mother's when she didn't experience an episode. He remembered when he first met Gideon, how he rambled out compliments towards the agent. The smile that smile that spread across the older man's face had given Reid a sense of accomplishment like no other and when he heard the words, "We should have coffee sometime" Reid almost fainted. Gideon was the father Spencer always wanted. Gideon never told Spencer to shut up or put him down and when he found out that Gideon had somehow convinced the BAU directors to hire him as an agent he was beyond honored. Spencer hadn't realized he had dropped the phone until he heard Hotch screaming his name.

He was fading in and out of consciousness; "I'm sorry, Hotch could you repeat that" spoke Reid softly into the air.

"Reid! Where are you!", screamed Hotch.

Reid stayed quite, he felt his body was shaking; he knew what was coming and quickly grabbed the bedside trash-bin to empty his stomach contents. As he leaned against the bed he noticed the time. The neon green like showed that he was an hour and 45 minutes late. No wonder Hotch was calling, he grabbed the phone, "I'm sorry Hotch, I'll be there soon" he was panting, sweating.

"My office as soon as you arrive"

"Yes, Sir"

The call ended.

Spencer sat in silence staring at the bottle in his hand.

….

Time appeared to be moving slower than usually, for instance, the elevator ride up towards his inescapable appointment with Hotch. Surprisingly, Reid felt indifference, in that moment all Reid wanted was to sleep, specifically with the help of the bottle that was in his pocket. He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes.

In his younger years, he'd show up as early just so he could ride the elevator up with Gideon. Gideon would always have a Starbucks coffee cup ready for Reid, but never himself. Reid never questioned him about it because it was obvious Gideon didn't like Starbucks and would go out of his way to get it for Reid. The conversation would start as soon as Reid took the cup and end when Reid reached his desk, but it was always perfect, until Gideon wasn't there anymore. There wasn't a reason to show up early after Gideon left.

The elevator doors dinged bringing Reid out his thoughts. He stepped out and made his way towards Hotch's office ignoring JJ's, Penelope's and Emily's glances. He knocked softly and entered when Hotch instructed to do so.

"Take a seat Reid"

Spencer felt like he was back in high school when he got into a fight and was forced to go to the principal's office. The lies would start flowing from his mouth as soon as he sat down and he'd be dismissed, but the principal wasn't a profiler like Hotch.

Hotch took his seat in front of Spencer and folded his hands together on the desk. His stoic face leaving no room for argument. Spencer knew that this was a "I talk, you listen" type of discussion.

"This is the third time you've been late this week Reid."

The statement drew confusion to the genius; he couldn't believe that he had been late three times.

"You're behavior lately has been unacceptable and if it continues I will suspend you"

"His behavior"? How had been acting? He needed answers, but he couldn't ask Hotch without causing concern. So he nodded his head, "I understand, Sir"

"Dismissed"

….

Spencer sat at his desk staring blankly at his computer screen when he felt a soft tap on his shoulder. He looked up to see Garcia with a cup of coffee. A small smile made its way onto his face as he reached for the cup, "Thank You" he whispered.

She sat against his desk looking at her shoes. He observed her yellow and pink dress; she wore a purple flower in her blond hair and pink glasses. Penelope was always so bright and yet it only brought Spencer down.

"Was there something you needed Garcia?"

"Morgan, Kevin and I were going out tonight and I was wondering if you wanted to join us?"

Reid noted he request came out rather timidly. Was she afraid of him? He didn't know, but he needed to find out. He had to remember. Why couldn't he remember?

"I'll think about it. Thank you for asking Garcia." Smiled Reid. Garcia smiled back, gave his shoulder a squeeze and left.

Reid sat silently staring into his coffee mug for a while then turned around and began to work.

….

Spencer found himself bent over the toilet throwing up the cup of coffee Garcia had given him. He was grateful he had declined to have lunch with the others even if Hotch and Morgan gave him disapproving looks, while JJ and Emily looked hurt. Garcia and Rossi's look was more of pity with an underlining of understanding. He was shaking and his eyes becoming teary. He hated withdrawal the first time; the next few days were going to be hell. He knew he could make his discomfort stop with the help of the bottle in his pocket, but he wanted to remember the week's events. The last thing he remembered was going to Rossi's pasta party and that had been a week ago. He coughed slightly as he flushed the toilet and leaned against the stall, holding his stomach. His lips were dry, his hair damp from the sweat, he felt a headache coming on and he felt weak.

After a few minutes, he stood up unsteadily and made his way towards the sink. Seeing his pitiful reflection in the mirror made him give out a dark chuckle. He hated the person staring back at him. That person was no longer the smartest person in the room, that person was weak, that person unrecognizable, that person he wanted to forget. He washed his hands and face then rinsed his mouth. He made his way back to his desk and continued to work at a steady pace. Usually he'd be done by now, but he didn't have the energy.

…

"So Reid, are you coming", asked Penelope

"Another time, I don't feel well tonight"

"Alright"

He hated how her face fell, but it had been a stressful day. He'd gone to the bathroom twice more and all he wanted to do was go home and sleep.

…

 _He lay on the beach enjoying the feel of the tide brushing against his body every time it came in. He felt another body sit beside his, but he didn't move._

" _I thought you said you'd never miss another plane again"?_

" _I miss you"_

" _You know where to find me. You've known for a while. You should come for a visit"_

" _You won't run away?"_

" _I never ran away from you, Spencer"_

" _Then why'd you leave?" Spencer finally opened his eyes, but he found himself sitting alone._

 _The once sunny day had become gray; it had started raining, the soft tide had become a whirlpool and it had a hold of him. He tried to scream, but no words coming out as he was dragged under. He couldn't breathe. He was drowning._


	2. Chapter 2

I'd like to thank MildeAmasoj for their lovely review. Thank you, love.

* * *

During Spencer's younger years his mother would make him raspberry tea when he had a nightmare. She used to tell him it was magical and that if he wished on it the nightmares would go away. He was 4 at the time so of course he believed her. Spencer didn't know about the "the power of suggestion", only that he would continually think about what he wanted and then dream of it. Things changed as he got older; He was bullied, kidnapped, drugged, and abandoned. Raspberry tea couldn't fix any of it. It couldn't fix the day he put his mother in a mental health institution and it couldn't fix the cravings he was experiencing at the moment.

When Spencer had fallen into bed that night he never imagined of waking up at 3 am craving dilaudid. He lay staring at the ceiling refusing to get up in fear he would reach for his satchel because that was where he left the bottle. He didn't understand why he couldn't get rid of it.

He couldn't remember the last time he craved the drug; the last time he even looked at it as a possibility was three months ago when Emily was dead, but she came back because it was all a lie. JJ and Hotch had lied and he was foolish enough to believe them. For a genius he pretty stupid. He didn't know if he was angry at them for lying or himself for not noticing.

The carvings were strongest the first two months, but JJ and Will were so kind they gave him a reason not to relapse. Half way through the fourth month he went back to the AA meetings, but that time between the second and fourth month had been conflicting. He had stopped going to see JJ and often found himself on Theodore Roosevelt Bridge wanting to join Emily. It granted him peace when his thoughts became too much to deal with. How he hated his eidetic memory because when all he wanted was to forget it would replay every moment of those fleeting days when they could have saved her. He could have saved her if he had been smarter, quicker, if he hadn't been so selfish. It was his fault Emily had died.

It wasn't until the end of the third month that he had gotten his hands on a small bottle of dilaudid. Sometimes, he found himself sitting on his balcony in the early mornings or late evenings staring at it. He would try convincing himself that because it is an opioid pain medication that it would be okay to give in. He was dealing with severe headaches and migraines that at times made his head feel like it was being split open slowly with a saw. Technically he is a Dr and if he took the drug in small doses it would be fine.

Those thoughts would usually be interrupted by a case or JJ. JJ called because apparently she couldn't sleep either, but now he wondered if she had an alternative motive. He'd find himself lost in conversation with her until she went back to bed or it was time to go to work. He was grateful….until he wasn't.

…

When Morgan walked into the BAU that morning he grew agitated when he didn't see Reid at his desk. Reid's behavior lately had been pissing Morgan off and he was coming close to snapping. The only reason he hadn't confronted the younger man yet was because Penelope told him not too, but enough was enough. He couldn't stand by and do nothing when JJ was crying in the bathroom because Reid had said something rude to her, not when Reid wasn't completing his work, not when his baby girl was sad because Reid promised he'd go out with them and didn't. Hotch had warned Reid about coming in late again and it was like Reid just didn't care. Reid used to be early. In fact, Reid used to have all his work done before Morgan even showed up, but ever since Emily came back Reid's behavior had been off. Hadn't Reid gotten over it? Wasn't that what the pasta party was for? Morgan wasn't sure what was going on with him, but he was putting his foot down. Next time he saw Reid he was going to give him a piece of his mind.

….

Spencer sat on the BAU roof because he couldn't go back to bed so he made his way to work, but he didn't go to his desk though. He went straight to the roof, took of the bottle and looked at it. When he was a rookie Gideon used to take him up to the roof after a rough case. They used to sit in silence watching the world go by and somehow that was enough to calm Reid. At times he even fell asleep on Gideon's shoulder. They stopped coming to the roof after Gideon suffered a nervous breakdown for sending six men into a warehouse where a bomb was detonated.

It was October when Reid & Gideon went bird watching. Everyone thinks Reid got over his addiction on his own, but the truth is that after Gideon found out he got Reid the help he needed. Reid even stayed with Gideon for a while and during the withdrawal Gideon held Reid, held him down, and kept him distracted.

Everyone thought Gideon left, truth is he couldn't stay away very long because he had to make sure Reid was okay. He showed up on Reid's door steps four weeks after he had left, the day before Reid's 27th birthday. Reid called in sick and spent the day with Gideon. They went bird watching.

Reid told Gideon he had been struggling again, that he'd stopped going to the AA meetings. As the young man cried in his arms Gideon told him he was stronger than all of it and that he was proud of him. Gideon left that night and Spencer went back to the meetings.

He was getting better until he saw a young boy get shot in front of him and started craving again. He couldn't let Gideon down though so he kept going to the AA meetings where John Einstein, the section chief of the intelligence branch, gave him his one year medallion. Reid kept fighting till one day he woke up and found he wasn't craving. When he got his one year medallion, he gave John his back.

Then JJ left and Emily died and Gideon wasn't there, but dilaudid was, it calling his name, but he ignored it. Then JJ came back and Emily came back and it was all a lie and he missed Gideon. Reid needed Gideon to hold him because he wanted to break down, he wanted to forget. His head was splitting. He heard himself shouting and the bottle smashed into pieces as it hit the wall. He just wanted the pain to end. He needed the pain to end. He wanted it all to end.

Then he found himself drifting, the pain subsiding and he found himself running through a field of flowers as his mother chased him.

He was brought out of his thoughts by the ring of his cell phone.

"Hello?" His voice was rough and he realized he must have been crying

It was Penelope, "Hey, where are you?"

"On the roof of the BAU"

"Oh", she sounded surprised, "Do you want to come keep me some company?"

Reid looked at the bottle in his hands. He could dose up or he could spend time with a friend. Was Penelope a friend? Reid didn't know who to trust anymore. Morgan and Penelope had gone on their own to track down Doyle. It was Morgan and Penelope or Hotch, Emily & JJ or Rossi, Hotch & Penelope. Basically, it was everyone else, but Spencer. Spencer was always picked last.

Well, almost always, Gideon always picked Spencer first. It was such a surprise the first time. He heard the taunting and snarky remarks as he went up to shake Gideon's hand because out of all the brawn Gideon picked the scrawny brain to be on the team.

Spencer smiled at the thought. He missed the way he always felt wanted when Gideon was around, Gideon who always introduced him as "Dr. Reid" because Spencer deserved to be respected.

He laughed at the thought, _"This is calm and it's Dr."_ Gideon would be so proud, but Gideon was always proud of him. Even when Spencer failed Gideon was proud and it hurt that he was gone, but he understood that Gideon needed to take care of himself.

Maybe he should leave. He wasn't well and he needed time to fix…..everything.

"Reid?" he heard Garcia ask and he was snapped out of his thoughts.

"I'll be right down." He said before hanging up. He stashed the bottle back in his satchel, stood up and made his way towards Garcia's office.

….

Garcia heard the soft knock on her door, but what was behind it was not what she was expecting. Reid looked like he'd been swallowed alive and spit out by hell. His eyes were bloodshot, his face was pale and he looked exhausted.

"Can I come in or are we just gonna stand here all day?" he tried laughing, but it didn't reach his eyes

"Of course, come in sweetheart!" she said stepping aside, "Make yourself at home"

"Thanks" he said taking a seat

She sat across from him, smiling awkwardly, but he kept looking through. He was beginning to regret coming.

"So how are you?" She asked

"Good and you?"

She frowned, looking down at her fingers and then back up at him with tears in her eyes threating to spill, "Spencer?" her voice was pleading

Spencer felt the anxiety coming on. What had he done? All he did was say he was good.

"Are you okay?" he asked trying to keep the panic out of his voice. Wrong move because next thing he knew he was trying to calm down a crying Garcia. She was holding onto his shirt for dear life as he patted her back. Spencer had never been so confused.

Nothing could have made the situation worse, except an angry Derek Morgan walking through the door.

…

The next few moments were a blur. Derek was screaming, Spencer was screaming. Garcia was between them. Reid felt a pain shoot up his spine as Morgan shoved him against the wall. Reid felt himself struggle, he saw Garcia pull Morgan back.

Morgan was on the ground and there was blood.

 _Why was there always so much blood?_

He couldn't breathe. He had to get out here.

He couldn't comprehend the voices calling him. His feet were moving by themselves. He couldn't do this anymore. It was a long way down. He was running, _He was running through a field of flowers. No, they were thorns. He was falling though a field of thorns._

 _The monsters were chasing him, calling him. He had to get up, but he couldn't. His bones felt like they were made of steel. He heard himself_ screaming.

He blinked, but his vision was foggy. He hadn't taken anything. Why was he _falling?_

 _He could not comprehend the voices calling as darkness took over._


End file.
